My endorphine level has kept me numb for the past few weeks. I suddenly realized that a lot of things have happen but I remained silent, unmoved and unaffected for quite some time. I have been disoriented and listless I could not even finish my simple tasks and was having a hard time remembering things. My self-confinement in our house double murdered my non-existent social life. Too many goodbyes have been said and yet I have pretended that nothing has changed. Some of my friends have left for the greener pastures while some have had an early retirement to life (God paged them way too early to be at His kingdom).
And in the middle of these life changing moments I refuse to immerse myself to the overflowing emotions. For some reasons I remained here, in my solitary room, spending my day mumbling nonsense and day dreaming. What was I thinking? I myself don’t know. I am lost in my thoughts that it takes a while to drift me back to reality. My mobile phone and my internet connection has been the only link I have to the outside world. So maybe this is how it feels to be in Big Brother’s house.
But even with the existence of a mobile phone I’m still out of reach. I rarely use it for communication purposes. Pretty much of the time it serves as MP3 player. I know, I know I’m starting to act weird. Just for the record I have read all of your messages its just that I am not in the mood to talk to someone else. I feel that I have to reflect on my life. To my disappointment I fail to identify the missing parts. So I resort myself to another listless thinking and then the cycle goes on.
Now that my adrenaline rush have subsided to the normal level I looked back and realize how much did I missed. Too many goodbyes. Too many chances to meet up with my old buddies but where was I? Living in your dreams doesn’t do any good I guess. No matter what,you still have to go back to reality where you can actually see things, feel things and experience living. I was too afraid of changes that I have buried myself to my own thoughts. My hyperactive imagination has taken over me. I wonder if this is one of the cons of too much vacation or too much stress? I don’t know however I do believe I need a distraction from this routine or else I’ll soon wear a straight jacket. I am hauling myself back to reality. I’m going back to work at least there I can put my mind to focus again though I’m still undecided whether I was just uninspired, burnout, or really walking to towards the path of insanity(I hope not). I shall emerge from my den and see the sun again. Well if this distraction does not work I’m afraid I have to see a shrink just to be safe. On the brighter side, at least I’m not as talkative as I was before. The end result was I can sit all day not speaking =) I don’t want to bluff non sense and sinful things just because I have not trained my tongue to go in sync with my mind.
At the end of it all, I do recognize my faults and is willing to emerge back for the sake of sanity and growth and learning. Yes, I did miss a lot. But in my heart the memories lived on. I just can’t take too much sadness. I’m sorry I am just not built that way,I do plan to make it up though. I pray that things will unravel its meaning in time. I pray for strength and courage from God to fight back those ungodly thoughts that hovers in my mind. I know this is a challenge from God. When you turn your back from the evil, the temptations to go back are sometimes hard to resist. The path to goodness isn’t an easy path but when you have God living in your heart, You’re sure to reach it in no time. My adrenaline rush has gone down…Now it’s time to pick up the sword and continue to walk down the road of life. God bless!
“Do not enter the path of wicked, and do not walk in the way of evil. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn away from it and pass on” Proverbs 4:14-15
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